I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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