it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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