apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
