dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
