Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
