I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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