Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
