i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
