Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
PANTIES FOUND
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