Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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