walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
