there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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