I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
