she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
