you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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