Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
