I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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