I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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