you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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