Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
