went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
