His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
