I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
