I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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