just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
