Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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