My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Did we literally take a cab across the street
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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