I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
