no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
