i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
