I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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