Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
