I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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