matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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