I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
