He asked to "fluff my boner.."
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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