morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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