just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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