The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's official drugs can't kill me
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
