God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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