Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize