At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
