Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
