I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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