Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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