and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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