Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
