This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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