oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
