dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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