I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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