WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
