I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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