please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
