Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
