This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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