I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
