He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
