A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We're facebook friends in real life
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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